I'm gonna find it one day. The button, that is. It is hidden mysteriously somewhere . . . on my toilet seat.
I know that's crass, but it seems to be true. Somewhere on my toilet seat is a button that triggers an alert all throughout the house. An alert that says, "Warning! Warning! Mom has once again attempted to have a few moments to herself. Everyone drop what you are doing immediately and proceed to the bathroom door. Once you are there, you are to knock incessantly, call out 'Mom?!' no less than twelve times, and ask her if she can see all of your fingers and/or toes underneath the door. If the phone rings, you are to answer it and exclaim to the person on the other end of the line that 'Mommy is using the potty.' Then giggle. You must then wait right outside the door (preferably blocking the door) until she reemerges. This is your mission, should you choose to accept it. If not, don't worry--someone else will."
I lie to you not. This happens every single time I go to the bathroom. Okay, almost every time. In fact, there are many times when I test the system. I will wait until all three of my children are quite engrossed in a video, then tip-toe quietly to the back of the house, close the bathroom door, hesitate for a moment, and then think to myself that I have finally outwitted them all . . . only to be jerked back into reality with the sound of "Mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyy" coming down the hall. Good grief. I have even tried the no-nonsense approach of making the announcement, "I am going to the bathroom now. NO ONE follow me." That didn't work either.
Those of you who are mothers know this to be true, don't you? And those of you who are now grandmothers cannot resist the urge to laugh uncontrollably as you recall us doing the same thing to you thirty years ago. Go ahead and laugh. I'm going to look for that button.